When selecting treats to pass out at the homestead, avoid non-nutritious candies and gums. Instead offer celery and blue cheese sauce platters. While the neighborhood rugrats may loathe you, you'll undoubtedly be a hit with the local dental hygienist (Note: House windows should be securely boarded before attempting).

Take care to choose a Halloween personae that lends itself to self-defense. A wicked witch with the trademark broom has a vast combative edge over an wand-wielding fairy.

When trying to choose an appropriate costume, be sure to select the darkest colors available. Go for black ninja suits or other non-reflective garb.

Costume accessories can really make the difference. Avoid using plastic props. Opt for real cutlery to stand out in the crowd.

If living in the deep rural South, avoid dressing up in a white sheet, for any reason. Such action can be misconstrued and ultimately lead to grotesque bodily harm.

And for little tikes, don't garb them in a white bed sheet that's bound to get tarnished! To cut Halloween budget corners, use white kitchen garbage bags. The costume also doubles as a large goodie bag, in the event that the feelings of asphyxiation simply become too unbearable for the youngster.

With so much geared toward the youngest family members, awkward teens can often feel left out. Insist that they dress up in a costume that will complement the young sibling's attire (Raggedy Ann and Andy, Prince and Princess, etc.).

When out collecting candy, visit houses in out-of-the-way dimly lit areas. Especially look for houses without *any lights on. These are the enthusiasts trying to make Halloween especially authentic and eerie for little ghoulies.

If no unlit houses can be found in your area, you will be forced to approach the well-lighted houses. But don't knock on the door! Instead, sneak around an knock on windows or rustle around in crawl-spaces. The resident family will appreciate your sense of originality and will likely reward you handsomely.

After you've been trick-or-treating, simply disregard all wrapped or "store-bought" candy. People handing this stuff out just don't give a damn and simply took the easy out. Go for the home-baked goodies.

You can also look for organized community events to entertain teens. Who can forget playing "Disintegrate The Mailbox," "Pumpkin Toss," "Teacher Toilet Paper Party," "Plastic Pumpkin Pillage," and "Pummel The Ghoulies."

Before bobbing for apples at your local Halloween carnival, fill your mouth brimming full with ketchup. When underwater, discharge the goo, then frantically jerk your head up out of the water screaming, "Razor! Razor!"