1. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a
large trash can.

10. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you
still end up at work.

11. Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed a
station-wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took
two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Now, a five-year-old
can do it.

12. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip
me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal
fluid."

13. I'm so depressed... My doctor refused to write me a prescription
for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a
condemned building.

14. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured
and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will!? What will? I'm
making a list of the people I wanna bite."

15. Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new
office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me,"
the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

16. Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay
People."