"Mum," says little Johnny, "Sharon and Dave were fighting an eel last night."

"What do you mean?" asks his mum thinking he must have had a dream about his big sister and her boyfriend.
"Well," says Johnny, "I was sneaking down to the fridge last night when I saw them. They were hugging with most of the lights off when Sharon's face started to go a bit funny. Dave must have known this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart. It took him a long time to find it and by this time he was sick too because he looked hot and his face was funny. His other hand was getting cold, I know that because he put it up her skirt. Then I saw what was making them sick. This big eel had got into Dave's jeans . I know it worried them because when it sprang out, Sharon sat back on the couch and said, 'Oh bloody hell, it's huge.' Dave grabbed her hair and she tried to bite its head off but soon she made a noise and let it go. It must have bitten her back. Sharon grabbed it tight and held it with both hands and Dave got something out of his pocket. I couldn't see that bit too well but it looked like he was trying to tie it up. They had a go at killing it but the eel put up a hell of a fight. Sharon got her legs round it, better than world wrestling that grip she had, and Dave was bouncing up and down on top trying to crush it. They were really getting a good sweat on and moaning and stuff. In the end, Dave gave his huge grunt and it all stopped. The eel was lying there when he rolled off. Sharon must have been scared by this because Dave had to cuddle and kiss her a bit to bring her round. He felt for her heart again to check she was alright but just when she'd started to mumble a bit, bugger me if that eel didn't stand up again. The eel didn't seem to have as much energy but it didn't half struggle and in the end Sharon did Dave's job. She sat on it and bounced up and down for about half an hour, the sweat was rolling off her, and she kept gasping hard for breath and moaning and everything, Dave had to keep checking her heart but he couldn't remember which side of her chest it was and he kept reaching for both sides. It took ages but this time they reall did kill the thing. I know that because right afterwards, Dave skinned it and flushed it away."