"Real Headlines"

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT --The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS --The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"] --The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
--The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
--Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION --The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
--The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
--Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX --San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE --Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
--The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
--The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
--The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
--The Houston Chronicle