In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times Includes late night humor

WARNING - May be offensive to American politicians and those who associate with them, models. Mild language.

Monica Lewinsky is starting out on a worldwide book signing tour to support her new autobiography, "Monica's Story". Or... you can get the "Books On Tape" version, narrated by Linda Tripp. (rec.humor.funny)

In her interview with Barbara Walters, Lewinsky said she wanted to apologize to the whole country. The whole country... man, how many married men did she have an affair with? (Leno)

Lewinsky told Walters that "behind the name Monica Lewinsky, there's a person... a family...". There's an agent... there's a manager... there's an editor... (Daily Scoop)

The interview lasted two hours. Two hours? That's more time than Clinton spent with her. (Miller)

Dan Quayle says he's running for president. He received congratulatory telegrams from Jay Leno, David Letterman and Bill Maher. (Daily Scoop)

President Clinton announced the government had a record $76 billion surplus. A lot of Democrats were urging him to spend that money on aid to unwed mothers, or as Clinton calls it, "hush money." (Leno)

One third of Americans suffer from some form of sexual dysfunction, according to a study published in the Journal of American Medical Assn. Another social problem President Clinton is hoping to personally solve. (Daily Scoop)

According to an ABC News poll, only 17% of kids say they'd like to be president when they grow up. Most kids said they'd rather sleep with the president and sign a huge book deal. (O'Brien)

In Minnesota, Gov. Jesse Ventura has a 72% approval rating. Imagine how high his ratings would be if he had sex in his office!

The Army is creating rapid strike forces. They would be able to hit anywhere in the world less than one hour after a presidential scandal breaks. (Daily Scoop)

The GOP is planning to hold a fundraiser at the Watergate Hotel. You don't need an invitation. You just sort of sneak in. (Daily Scoop)

The Navy has banned Furbies at its shipyards because they can record conversations. They can ban a kids toy from government property because it could accidentally record something, yet the Pentagon hires Linda Tripp for $94,000 a year. (Leno)

Country singer George Jones was injured in a car crash. Police say two factors contributed to the crash: (1) he lost control while talking on a cell phone, and (2) this kind of crap always happens to country singers. (Daily Scoop)

The introduction of the new "security enhanced" Pentium III has prompted Microsoft to change its slogan to, "We know where you went today."

Hewlett Packard is splitting into two companies. The one that sells computers and the one that puts you on hold and ignores you when you call for technical support.

Harry Belafonte turned 72. his friends threw him a party, but when daylight come, everybody go home. (Miller)

Someone hijacked more than $100,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies in San Jose. No arrests yet, but the suspect is believed to be 4 feet tall, have blue fur and live somewhere on Sesame Street.

Of course, the big story continues to be that bizarre creature with the purple jumpsuit, carries a purse, the weird head gear... some say he's gay... some say he's straight... you know who I'm talking about... Dennis Rodman. At his news conference announcing his joining the Lakers... was he crying? There's no crying in basketball! THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASKETBALL!!! (Leno)

A new study found that Prozac is effective in treating kleptomania. In fact, they can't keep it on the shelf. (Leno)

Leisure World retirement village residents have voted to incorporate as a city. They also voted to adopt an official motto: Our Children Never Call.

An African American family in San Bernardino is suing a McDonald's claiming they were refused service. First Denny's, now McDonald's. What does a black guy have to do to get a bad meal in this country? (Leno)

In Wisconsin, police plan to dress like construction workers in an effort to catch speeders. If this works, they are going to start dressing like other members of the Village People. (O'Brien)

Calvin Klein didn't renew Kate Moss' contract. She was so upset, she couldn't throw up for a week.

Ford's new sport utility vehicle, the Excursion, is 19 feet long and weighs 3 1/2 tons. Instead of cup holders, it comes with two crew members and a beverage cart.

Reebok says they will lay off some 3,000 workers at its Indonesian plants. That should save the payroll about $100.

Researchers say they have been able to slow down the speed of light. Know how they do it? They take a beam of light, and they aim it through a post office. (Leno)