"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire
     and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:

"Push Push Push."

Sign at entrance of the IRS:

"Watch your step."

Sign at the exit of the IRS:

"Watch your mouth."

Sign in a bookstore:

"We treat you write."

Sign on a front door:

"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Sign in an optometrist's office:

     "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to
     the right place."

Sign on a scientist's door:

"Gone fission."

Sign in a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

Sign in a podiatrist's window:

"Time wounds all heels."

Sign in a butcher's window:

"Let me meat your needs."

Sign on used car lot:

"Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on fence:

"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign in a car dealership office:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign over a cannibal's hut:

"I never met a man I didn't like."

Sign in a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Sign at a hotel.

"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

Sign in a science teacher's room:

     "If it moves, it's biology.
      If it stinks, it's chemistry.
      If it doesn't work, it's physics."

Sign in butchers window:

"Pleased to meat you."

Sign on auto body shop:

"May we have the next dents?"

Sign at the dry cleaner's window:

"Drop your pants here."

Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery:

"Reserved for plant manager."

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel:

"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Sign in a Norwegian lounge:

"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward:

"Please do not disturb further."

Sign in an office:

"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Sign in a veterinary's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Sign on music teachers' door:

"Out Chopin."

Sign at the electic company:

     "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
     However, if you don't, you will be."

Sign in beauty shop window:

"Dye now!"

Sign on a garbage truck:

"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

Sign at a computer store:

"Out for a quick byte."

Sign on restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up."

Sign in a bowling alley:

"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups:

"Get a `long` little doggie!"

Sign in a cafeteria:

     "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
     In pencil beneath the sign:  Socks can eat anyplace they want."

Sign on a music library's door:

"Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a restaurant window:

     "T-bone steak $1  Then, in fine print underneath:
     With meat $12"

Sign on the inside of a bathroom stall:

"Beware of limbo dancers."

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads:

     "Today's special.
     Below it says:  So's tomorrow."

Sign on restaurant window:

"Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Sign in a Maine restaurant:

"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

Sign in school:

     "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer
     in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Sign on an asphalt truck:

"Let us fill your crack!"

Office sign:

"Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."

Sign at a muffler shop:

"No muff too tough for us!"

Sign at a garden shop:

"We now have kricket krap!"

Sign on a government issue car:

"Fulton county disaster coordinator."

Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

Sign seen on an electricity pylon:       DANGER!
     "To touch these wires will result in instant death.
     Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."

Sign in a Japanese Hotel room:

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Sign in a Leipzig elevator:

"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire:

     "Please do not smoke near the pumps.  If your life isn't
     worth anything - gas is!"

Sign on a Norfolk farm:

     "Trespassers beware!  I shoot every tenth trespasser.
     The ninth one just left."

Sign seen in London department store:

"Bargain Basement Upstairs"

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station:

"Closed for official opening."

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator:

"Please leave your values at the front desk."

Sign in a hotel in Athens:

     "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
     hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel:

     "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of
     the chambermaid."

Sign in a Japanese hotel:

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

     "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
     composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

     "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
     the boots of ascension."

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Sign on the menu of a Polish hotel:

     "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
     dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
     beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket:

     "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient
     self-service."

Sign at fast-food place:

"PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop:

     "Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute
     customers in strict rotation."

Sign from the Soviet Weekly:

     "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet
     Republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the
     past two years."

Sign in an East African newspaper:

     "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors
     have thrown in the bulk of their workers."

Sign in a Vienna hotel:

"In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

Sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

     "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
     people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together
     in one tent unless they are married with each other for that
     purpose.

Sign in a Zurich hotel:

     "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
     sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
     this purpose."

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book:

     "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this
     variation has been played."

Sign in a Rome laundry:

     "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
     a good time.

Sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

     "Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no
     miscarriages."

Sign Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

Sign on the faucet in a Finnish washroom:

"To stop the drip, turn cock to right."

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier:

"Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

"Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan:

"Stop: Drive Sideways."

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn:

"Special today -- no ice cream."

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room:

"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Sign at a Budapest zoo:

     "Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable food,
     give it to the guard on duty."

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor:

"Specialist in women and other diseases."

Sign in a Tokyo shop:

     "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best
     in the long run."

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER:

     "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm
     in your room, please control yourself."

Sign from a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

     "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
     Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
     your passage then tootle him with vigor."

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance:

     "English well talking."
     "Here speeching American."