A blonde walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and
fries?"

The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."

So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"


*******************************************************************


Andy:  "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I
dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in
the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row."

Psychiatrist:  "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible."

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."


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Q: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? 
A: Goes-in-tight! 


Q:  What's the definition of a teenager? 
A:  God's punishment for enjoying sex. 


Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.



*********************************************************************


Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of
stress. I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor:  I see, tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!



*********************************************************************


A visiting professor from the US was amazed to see
the auditorium filled to capacity for his speech on
"Convex Sets and Inequalities" at The Technical
Institute of Aeronautics in Sao Jose dos Campos.

A quick glance at the flier promoting his appearance
removed all doubt though. According to the flier, he
was supposed to speak on "Convicts, Sex and
Inequalities."



*********************************************************************


How do you spot Dolly Pardons kids on the playground?
They're the one with the stretch marks around their mouth!


What's good about being a test-tube baby?
You get a womb with a view!


**********************************************************************


LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS:

Put bifocals on.  Double check that you're with the right partner.

Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the
middle.

Set the mood with lighting.  Turn 'em ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to
scream out at the end.


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A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies.  So, this was his first time approaching a field
during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess
where!"



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One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then
he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.

 
"What's the matter?" the bartender asked. "My wife and I got into a fight,"
explained the guy, "and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . " 
 
He took another drink, and said, "And tonight is the last night." 



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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving
card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. 
 
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim
children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." 
 
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"


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