Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flights crews.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or reported:

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where
it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I
really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you
get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to
it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a
nice day." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in
their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the
gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Southwest Airlines makes humor their first priority. The president of Southwest says that if you don't have a sense of humor,
you'll never be hired at Southwest. If you've ever flown Southwest,
you'll hear a few of these lines and many others. A frequent line used
at the end of a flight is, "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have
or anything else that you might wanna give us!"

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with
all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

Here are a few from Northwest I heard: "Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place
the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are please to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight...!

This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I've
experienced. The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down?"

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If
you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love
more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane
to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."


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