Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!

Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Jay Leno
I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.

Billiam Coronel