Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing
associations throughout the UK:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.

.. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until
it is cleared.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top
of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.