"The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During that time
      we regret that you will be unbearable."

In Akko, Israel:

"Lamp Chops"

In a Paris hotel elevator:

"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens:

      "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
      hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

      "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
      chambermaid."

In a Japanese hotel:

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

      "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
      and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily
      except Thursday."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

"Drop your trousers here for best results."

Outside a Paris dress shop:

"Dresses for street walking."

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

      "Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute
      customers in strict rotation."

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

      "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
      that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
      live together in one tent unless they are married with each
      other for that purpose."

In a Zurich hotel:

      "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
      opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
      used for this purpose."

In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Rome laundry:

      "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
      having a good time."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

      "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
      miscarriages."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

In a Bangkok temple:

      "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
      as a man."

In a Tokyo bar:

"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

      "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
      it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

"ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

In a Budapest zoo:

      "Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any 
      food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor:

"Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel:

"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:

      "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
      best in the long run."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

      "Cooles and Heates:  If you want just condition of warm in
      your room, please control yourself."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

      "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
      Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
      your passage then tootle him with vigor."