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You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! When you can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Every woman you see has an exact twin. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! The glass keeps missing your mouth! Bill Clinton starts to make sense. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!] At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women]. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol. I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!! Roseanne looks good. Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store. I'm as jober as a sudge. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki. You've fallen and you can't get up. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle - please pass the ice pack.... BeerTender! Get me another Bar! The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering. Your name is Ted Kennedy. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.
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