The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires

15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11> Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck

yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10> After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find

clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9> After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs

are suddenly off-limits.

6> No warm blood for miles around DC.

5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized

"hardbodies."

2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...

1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.