The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL-
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
________________________
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG
_________________________
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/ offer
________________________
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
____________________________________________
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE....
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
_________________________
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
______________________
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR $15
________________________
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
___________________________
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE
_____________________
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK - $2000
_______________________
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15
________________________
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents
_______________________
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED, SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE
_______________________
FULL SIZED MATTRESS
30 YR WARRANTY
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL
_________________________
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME
_______________________
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
___________________________
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED *************
CALL CHUBBIE ************
________________________
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
_______________________
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
________________________
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG
LOOKS LIKE A RAT.
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD
_______________________
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT"
________________________
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
_________________________
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
_________________________
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN
89 cents lb.
__________________________
NICE PARACHUTE -
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
___________________________
FREE FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
__________________________
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
__________________________
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR
____________________________
NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND
BE CHECKED.  PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.  ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE
DEAD
_____________________________
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175
___________________________
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER
__________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER - $300
_______________________
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
_________________________
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
_______________________
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
_____________________
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
_________________________
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
_________________________
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE AND DONUTS
_______________________
KELLOG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
______________________
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb
_________________________
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last weekend. Wife knows everything