ACTUAL CLASSIFIED NEWSPAPER ADS:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700

VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15

DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN - THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!

BARBIE COUNTRY RIDE -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike).

FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.

THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

SO FRENCH, AFTER ONE CUP YOU'LL WANT TO GO OUI, OUI.

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.