The 2000 Darwin awards are here!!
(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained
from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than
his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while
expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic
miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which
he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him
plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.
The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing
his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse
while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him
stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge
pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark
enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.
(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected
cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into
the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to
the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting
to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the
fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to
commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his
own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his
car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and
his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to
have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter
was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun
as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that
that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing
the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the
butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long
lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician,
showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney,
Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday,
with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1
point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his
winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him
the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater
than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to
the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back
to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A
forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4
bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his
blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited
several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was
much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of
$13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan
required any further embalming.
(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning
British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty
Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of
hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the
vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100'
quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround
the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor
Alan Renfry told reporters.
First Runner Up Award goes to ...
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered
Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn
citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an
evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the
southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing
continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and
the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink
and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing
the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh
because the blast destroyed everything,"
the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At
precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded
in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the
bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated
prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind
the untimely explosions.
Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight
savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot,
involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist
time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared
in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The
confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the
cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to
the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
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